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A note to Mark Followill, Rich Phillips, and the rest of the Ticket Ticker Crew: you might want to print and save this article. It'll come in handy in the following twelve months, as we look at 1999: The Year In Sports.
January
- During Super Bowl XXXIII, the Minnesota Vikings make history by suiting up Governor Jesse Ventura as a nose tackle. He leaves the game after a personal foul involving a Diamond Cutter on a defensive rusher... Francis Botha prepares for his fight against Mike Tyson by slicing off his own ears, a la Vincent Van Gogh, giving Tyson no choice but to aim for the nose...
February
- After dropping NBA players from its promotional roster, Nike unveils its new campaign, featuring the adventures of Deion Sanders and Little Piggy, a puppet of Deion's big toe. The voice of Little Piggy is provided by Samuel L. Jackson...
March
- At the opening of Final Four action in St. Petersburg, NBA Commissioner David Stern is seen in a dark trenchcoat with a cardboard sign that reads, "Fans Needed for Existing League, God Bless" ... Latrell Spreewell and Snoop Doggy Dogg trade places. No one notices...
April
- Mark McGwire misses Opening Day in St. Louis, due to delays in the shooting of "Popeye 2000" in Barbados... The Texas Rangers place Rick Helling on the mound on Opening Day at the Ballpark in Arlington, cementing his role as staff ace. He proceeds to blow out his rotator cuff in the third inning...
May
- Rocco Pendola's contract is renewed for two years. Rocco celebrates on-air by scaling the Riverchon Plaza building and screaming "Top of the World, Ma!" ... In a pivotal Game Seven of the Western Conference Finals, the Dallas Stars and Detroit Red Wings go through a scoreless regulation, three overtime periods, and penalty shots. A cage is then lowered onto center ice, where goaltenders Ed Belfour and Chris Osgood step in, sans pads, to duel to the death. Despite warnings from Martin LaPointe, Eddie does the Dance of the Mad Canuck on Osgood's head. Stars advance to the Stanley Cup Finals, where they win in five...
June
- The San Francisco 49ers, ending months of speculation, name Mike Holmgren as their new head coach. Holmgren is also given the job title "Grand Poobah of Qualcomm Smoke Lodge," satisfying his requirement for management power... In protest of the Stars' Stanley Cup win, Quebec demands to be annexed to Texas. Texas refuses...
July
- Nolan Ryan is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. During his acceptance speech, Chicago White Sox player Robin Ventura holds a press conference swearing revenge on Ryan. The following week, a pay-per-view fight is scheduled in Atlantic City. Oddsmakers give Ryan a 3-1 advantage...
August
- In a surprise move, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones promotes George Dunham from PA announcer to Rowdy, the Cowboy's Mascot. In the final exhibition game, Gordon Keith sneaks down to the field and pins a sign on George's back that says "Call Me Ass-Whip!"
September
- The Cowboys' first home game is also the Second Annual Ty Beanie Baby Day. This year's giveaway features Squinty the Zebra... The Rangers win the AL West for the third time in four years. Roger Clemens demands a temporary trade to the Rangers for the duration of the playoffs, faxing a note to Toronto management written in crayon. The note reads, "I'm Crazy Greedy Pitcher Man! Gimme some candy!"
October
- Still unable to develop a plan that satisfies both parties, the National Basketball Association files for Bankruptcy. No one notices... The National Hockey League's new advertising campaign slogan: "Hey, We're Not The NBA."
November
- Mathematicians protest the renaming of the Humanitarian Bowl to the Millennium Bowl, arguing that the new millennium doesn't start until 2001. The protesters are stuffed in a locker ... In a freak play at center ice, Mike Modano loses two teeth. ESPN hockey analyst Barry Melrose comments at intermission, "Thank God, now we can take him seriously as a hockey player" ...
December
- The Bowl Championship Series rankings are released, placing Texas A&M just behind the Lewisville Fighting Farmers in Bowl Matchups. Kansas State faithful are outraged once more, being ranked 112th behind St. Augustine's Girls School JV team. No one notices.
Happy New Year, everyone.
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