Slobberknocking while wondering whatever happened to Tawny Kitean: Awright, that's it. I've had enough. Celebrity endorsements are nothing new. Hell, Fred and Barney hawked cigarettes back in the days before Yul Brynner went off to do the Valhalla production of 'The King and I.' But these long distance peddlers have got to knock it off. Now, I won't begrudge a company getting someone of note to shill their product. Just ask Goldie how well Vital-Men and Vital-Fem sales have been since getting the Great Greggo onboard. And, yes, you will hear us at Hardliners.Com extol the greatness of TC Collision Experts, even though no one really cares too much what we think about the Masters of Metal Mending. I'm just saying that pegging the Celeb-O-Meter during the blitz of 10-whatever ads is counter-productive. I wasn't paying much attention when John Lithgow, one of the most underrated actors of our time, started pitching Telecom USA's 10-321, or even the unneeded mutation to 10-10-321. But, in the last six months or so, the floodgates opened, not unlike Game Three of the ALDS at the Ballpark. Tony Danza. Chris Rock. Wayne 'Neuman / Nedry / Fat Ass' Knight. Reginald 'Urkel's Friend / Fat Ass' VelJohnson. Ed O'Neill. William Shatner. Michael Jordan (I guess he has to keep busy somehow when the golf courses are closed). George Carlin. Dennis Miller, for God's sake! All I ask is that I be allowed to make calls the way I want to. I don't want to dial the DNA sequencing for a marmoset before I call someone long distance. And what's with this "calls over 30 minutes are half-price?" If I need to talk to someone for longer than five minutes on the phone, a vein starts to pop out of my forehead. No one has a legitimate reason to make personal phone calls for over a half hour, regardless of what we told our parents in high school. Let our beloved celebrities alone! Quit assailing them with huge amounts of cash to sign on in the 10-10-yadda wars! Let me dial in peace! Now, I'd best be going. There's a camera crew here from FOX... they're taping a segment for an upcoming special -- "When Celebrity Endorsements Attack." --Devin Pike