The following are statements made by Laszlo Finnegan over the course of his life. The degree of his sobriety during these statements, however, is highly suspect. Your mileage may vary.
	Never trust skinny women. What are they doing? They're not eating.		You get what you pay for, unless it's tacos. Then you get more.
	Life is not a box of chocolates. Life is like a jack-in-the-box. Each day you crank it, and every now and then it will pop out and make you wet your pants.		Okay, everybody... out of the gene pool!
	You are never too old for cartoons, trampolines, or sticking your hand out of the car window and making airplanes.		God is not out to get you. She is, however, out to get the person behind you. You had best learn how to duck.
	Forces of nature should not be explained.
	The Dallas Cowboys are a force of nature.		The difference between music and visual arts is simple. No one ever came up to Picasso and said, "Hey, why don't you paint ' Starry Night?' I liked that one."
	I like being bitter. Bitter can get you far in life. Look at Roseanne (insert new last name here). She's got enough bitter in her to pucker Mary Hart's puss.		What's the big deal about body piercing these days? Seems like you're not truly hip until you can set off an airport metal detector with your navel. Hell, I remember when having too many holes in your body was a bad thing.
	Just because I like Star Trek, do not think that I am a Trekkie. Trekkies still live with their parents, know at least conversational Klingon, work in convenience stores to support their convention habit, and own at least one pair of Spock ears. I have a life.
	I think at one point I was Jack the Ripper. It's the only explanation I have for all of the bad karma I have accumulated.		Anna Nicole Smith is a force of nature.
	Why can't life be more like a sitcom? First, your friends all live really close, and just pop in your front door when you need a pick-me-up. Then, say you have a problem. A pretty serious one, like you can't make rent because you're out of work. In 22 minutes (or 30, with commercials) you've not only got rent taken care of, but your landlord likes you more.		Aliens never hijack PhD candidates or politicians. They always seem to gravitate towards the trailer park residents or farmers, which leads me to think that our first contact may be with interstellar rednecks.
	Sean Connery has the best gig in all of show business. British spy, Russian sub boat captain, Irish policeman, Egyptian immortal... all with the same Scottish accent. And who cares?		Yes, I like Jerry Springer. It's like a nasty car wreck. You don't want to look, really you don't, but you just can't help yourself.
	I have a message for the fashionable youth of today -- PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
	Will someone please tell Alanis Morissette to get the hell off of my radio?!?!!
	Someone should start a comic strip called "Anal-Retentive Man." The possibilities for storylines would be endless...		Never underestimate gut instinct. It has saved lives, changed civilizations, and kept me from dating psychotic women. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
	Abortion opponents should adopt one child. Each. I love going to pro-life rallies and asking them about their opinions on the death penalty. The little puff of smoke that comes out of their head is really cute.		Yes, "Rocky Horror" is juvenile. Still, how many times does a heterosexual male get to run around in garters and get away with it?
	Dating more than one woman at a time is like juggling multiple bowling balls. It looks impressive, but sooner or later, one will slam right into your skull, followed by all of the others -- including the one you wanted to keep in the air the longest.		Barney is a spawn of Satan and must be destroyed.
	Look, just shoot me and avoid the rush.		Hockey is a force of nature.
	Show me someone who's truly organized, and I'll show you a future high blood pressure patient.		Whatever doesn't kill you, makes for good comic relief.
	People say bad relationships are a dime a dozen. I'm hunting down those responsible for supplying the dimes.		Who needs social skills when you have pay-per-view?
	Tommy Lee, one of the ugliest men in America, rebounds from Heather Locklear to Pamela Sue Anderson, and I can't get laid? There's no justice in this world.		Guns don't kill people. It's the nasty hole they leave in the back of your head that kills ya.
	Bell-bottoms are not fashion. They are the sins of the Seventies come back to haunt us all.
	Friends are a force of nature.