July 21, 1999
Frozen Moments

Devin Pike is a freelance designer. No, wait, he's a DJ. No, sorry, he's a sports nut. He lives in Irving, TX with four cats and a hamster, who are plotting to kill him in his sleep this week.

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I've eaten my share of cheeseburgers in my 30 years on this planet. They've saved me from placing my fist through walls, kept me from screaming at the management of several part-time jobs, and made it possible for me to better emulate certain Mike Myers characters. I love cheeseburgers, particularly bacon cheeseburgers. The good bacon cheeseburger is something that every Mom & Pop diner should excel in, something that every vegetarian should try once before swearing off the cow as a food source.

Now, the best bacon cheeseburger I've ever ingested is the Apple Smoked Bacon Cheeseburger, served at a North Texas restaurant called Buck & Loon's. I found this place completely by accident when my girlfriend and I were searching South Cooper in Arlington, which has more restaurants per capita than any other suburb in the Southwest. The name grabbed us, and the food kept us. Sure, I'm told they have good pot roast and wonderful steak and whatnot. But, as long as they have the Apple on the menu, that's what'll be stuffed in my face.

Fast food places (I hesitate to call them restaurants, as long as the self-loathing behind the counter outpaces the minimum wage) will try and try to get the bacon cheeseburger right. The only chain to get it right consistently is Wendy's. Back in the early '90s (Gods, doesn't THAT sound bad!), they rolled out the Dave's Deluxe. Quarter-pound of meat, four strips of bacon, lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mayo, and grilled onions. Grilled onions make any burger superior, and the Dave's Deluxe had 'em.

Wendy's hasn't made the Dave's Deluxe since 1994. And I am bitter.

They try to assuage my pain by making the Big Bacon Classic a mainstay, but the BBC is NO Dave's Deluxe. They know this, because they have constantly rolled out pretenders to the Deluxe's crown. The Smoky Bacon Cheeseburger... the Cheddar Lover's Bacon Cheeseburger... the list goes on and on. Dave Thomas will trot out these burgers on a four- to six-week run, only to snatch them away from consumers when they think, "Now, this is a good burger."

Psych.

Is it too much to ask for the fine folks working behind the counter to have more than seven styles of burgers on the menu? Huh?!? How tough can it be for Tina the Troubled Teen to look at a chart and find out what's in a Dave's Deluxe? It's not a matter of being cost-conscious, because it's relatively the SAME DAMNED INGREDIENTS from one burger to the next!

Until Buck & Loon's franchises out across America -- and you should pray that they do if you don't live in the North Texas area -- Dave Thomas had better get on the stick and quit bait - and - switching me with his burgers. Paper-headed hats will roll.